You Are Out To Destroy Me! I Love You!

One of the difficulties in confronting gurus sick with terminal narcissism is their self-congratulatory ability to take every form of confrontation as a validation. Rest assured that despite Tamarack's paranoid and violent assertions to the contrary, not a single contributor here has expended even an iota of excess energy trying to "destroy" him. He is perfectly capable of doing that himself. We just facilitate his flow (7th letter).

In light of the previous post defining sexual harassment, consider Tamarack's description of the student's "excessive" reading. Do you think this shutdown during the Yearlong program might have been a perfectly understandable response to the harassment she was undergoing?

Personal responsibility, Mr. Konen, as you claim to be taking here, does not mean falsely accusing the victim of being "angry," "spiteful," or "vindictive" when she rightly calls you on your gendered violence.

From: "Tamarack Song"
Subject: Fw: Email list Removal
Date: March 2003

Greetings _____,

In an hope you are well. I'm glad to hear you have settled in amongst new friends. It should prove to be a nourishing, supportive environment for you. I want to thank you for opening up to Lety and sending her copies of my e-mails to you. Your letters helped tremendously in gaining a portal into your reality. They gave a real feel for your anger and spite -- no wonder you were out to defame and destroy me!

I am deeply sorry for my role in hurting you. In retrospect, I wish I had spoken more directly with you over the Green Season when you were here. At the time it seemed so important for you to do what you were doing (in terms of attacking me) that I decided to step back. I also didn't want to embarrass you with facts that might have contradicted your assumptions, in front of your cohorts. And, before your letters to Lety, I wasn't aware of some of the assumptions you had made. Also, I found out later that other people had passed their assumptions on to you, which probably fed your growing anger as well

I guess I didn't help the situation either, because I'm quiet about my private life. You should hear some of the rumors and gossip that get passed around and exaggerated! I usually just let it go, unless someone comes to me with it. I've come to realize that, for better or worse, bigger-than-life hearsay and criticism go along with being a public person. I can now see how, if somebody told you it was so, you would believe that Lety and I had a sexual relationship before I said anything to you about her and me. It never dawned on me that you would doubt my integrity, so it didn't occur to me to tell you that Lety had, three years prior, taken a Vow of Celibacy.

It was not until sometime in February, perhaps a few weeks or a month after I told you about Lety, that she was released from her vow and our relationship became intimate. This is perhaps an example of how rumors and misunderstandings begin, take on a life of their own, and become accepted as truth. I have to take personal responsibility for this one -- for not being more communicative, for not foreseeing the potential for misinterpretation and hurt, and for not confronting certain individuals when I suspected that they were jumping to conclusions and spreading them as fact.

It seems also that some of my actual attempts at communication may not have been very clear. In my early e-mail to you, I thought I was clear that, although I hoped that our intended sharing would be a mated one, I wasn't sure what it might be. I mentioned that it could also be Dodemic, for healing, or maybe for some other reason. Perhaps I should have been more explicit? Or emphatic? At the time, there was no one else I had the remotest interest in getting to know intimately, Jill and I had officially concluded our relationship on Nov. 6, and I had been told that it was time for my mate to come.

So when you manifested before me, and as beautifully as your inner light shone, naturally I would be suspect, and hopeful, that it be you. In fact, I was full of hope -- I had been living alone and waiting for eight years! That hope continued through our first couple e-mails and phone conversations. As beautiful as our initial sharing was, as deeply and personally intimate as it was, it was not romantically intimate. You and I didn't talk about whether we were seeing or had an interest in someone else, and we didn't express the desire to meet so that we could share personally. We didn't become sensual or intimate over the phone or in our written correspondence, nor did we talk about it.

In fact, our sharing went in reverse: our communications became more sparse and sporadic, you asked me to slow down, and I grew more distant, more confused as to what this intendedness, this energy between us, was all about. When Lety and I woke up to each other and realized our calling, I took it has confirmation that something else was intended for you and me other than matedness. As soon as Lety wrote me the letter that signified our realization as to who we were to each other, I contacted you about it. I felt clear -- I then realized why you and I didn't click in the way that I had hoped. It didn't feel to me as though there was overlap between you and Lety. You were each quite different people in my life, in different roles.

I have a couple other close friends who I am intimate with, though we are not sexually or romantically intimate. If you and I had become sexually-romantically involved, I don't think it would have affected how things unfolded. Had desire brought us together, I don't think it could have kept us together, if we were not intended. And, proper or not, whether or not it be the best timed, when revelation comes, it comes. The awareness of my matedness with Lety was so immediate, clear,and strong, that it would not have mattered what was or was not going on.

Regarding your reaction to my reaction to your reading material, I think you may be misinterpreting me. For example, I have high regard for John Zerzan; I think he's right on. I feel honored that my writings are appearing next to his in journals. I'm asking him to write the preface for my next book. My comments were not directed at your reading material per se, but at the fact that you read so much. Besides my general concern that we all talk, read, and watch movies, too much, I was concerned for your personal unfolding.

If you had your nose continuously in my writings, I would have felt same way. It's not that I don't have some ego attachment to my writings or that I don't feel hurt when they are criticized or ignored. Yet, as a believe you know, my overall feeling about the written word applies to mine is well --that it can get in the way of the real Guiding Voice, that it reflects my own prejudices, that it is no substitute for direct experience and is at best a signpost, and that it is expendable and should be passed on as soon as it no longer serves.

There are no doubt other misunderstandings between us that could be cleared up with communication. And then there are likely some genuine differences. That is okay with me, as I've had at least some differences with virtually everybody I've ever known. I'm okay with our differences. Were it not for differences, I would not be blessed with new ideas and perspectives, I would not be challenged to grow. I would not be the person I am today.

Perhaps our challenge is to sort out our genuine differences from the misperceptions, misunderstandings, misinformation and tittle-tattle. Then perhaps we could accept and honor each other for who we are, and maybe even begin to grow from the cross pollenization of our "differences". Believe it or not, I see beauty and purpose in your viciousness and criticism, and in your efforts to defame me and destroy my relationships, the School, the Year-long program. You are helping to make me stronger. A Tree that grows in the lee of the Wind may look good, but is weak-rooted and will topple in the face of the first Storm that sneaks around the backside of the Hill. The Tree that grows on the Bluff and is buffeted by all that the Thunder Beings can throw at him, grows wise, resilient, and long-lived.

I know that in all criticism there is a kernel of truth, so I accept it with graciousness, and give thanks to the source. I am thankful for what you have brought me, and I ask you to continue. I will only grow stronger, more self-aware, and hopefully a wiser and better person. In fact I encourage you to speak more of your truth. I think you are holding back, I think you have more to offer. Of course, I wish it were to my face and not behind my back, and I wish that more of it could be constructively, rather than destructively, oriented, and I wish that we could deal with the feelings directly, and work on healing the hurt they have caused, rather than letting the wounds continue to fester and feed the disharmony.

Without dialogue, without empathy and understanding, there will continue to be war. Interpersonal or international, it's all the same. At this point, I'm not going to go public with the facts, or with my personal feelings and reality around our relationship. It's not my way. And again, I don't want to embarrass you. Or contradict you in front of others. I want to honor what you consider to be right and just, even though it may appear to conflict with my ways. I know that you are doing what you feel you have to do, and I encourage you to continue. A River must run its course.

If it is wrong to love you, then I am guilty. Yes, you were right in feeling love from me. It is not romantic love, but it is love. And it is a strong, undying love. No amount of venom you have spat at me has yet tarnished it. In fact, it shows me that you care also. You would have long forgotten me otherwise, and you wouldn't be wasting your invaluable energy on me. I still believe that we were drawn together for a reason. When your Journey is over, I would welcome again sharing with you, so that we might offer to others the promised gift of our sharing. I hold no animosity toward you. I still believe in you, and look upon you with wonder and awe, just as I expressed in my first e-mail to you. You are always welcome here.

In Balance and Healing,

Tamarack

PS I believe you were taken off of the e-group mailing list. You received the mailing below because you were in my personal address book. Occasionally I'll send something out that I'd like to share with those I know, that is not directly related to the School. If you wish me not to have your e-mail address, please let me know and I'll remove it.